so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize