Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
