so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
