your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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