did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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