you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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