Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
