If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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