I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
