I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
