I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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