Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
