i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize