Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
