capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
