Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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