Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She bit a glass in half.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
