Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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