I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Found your dick twin last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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