Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
