I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
