Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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