Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
