You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
