I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why can't burritos get me drunk