And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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