Someone shit on the floor
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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