Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You ate ashes out of my bong
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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