The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
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and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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