Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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