He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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