i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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