i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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