Jerry, you need to find god
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
