You're my little dorito
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
