My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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