She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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