You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
