i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's the barista slut.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
