My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
