I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
