I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
