I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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