i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
