I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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