Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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