I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
