Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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