I am spending my child support on dildos
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
