I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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