i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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