Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You may now shotgun with the bride
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
