can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
