I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
