I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
