What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
