you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
